We’re sorry to inform you, but football is on shutdown until further notice.
The sport of football has gone bankrupt due to fans’ misappropriation of funds. Or something to that effect. They keep spending money on groceries, gas, clothing and bills instead of just throwing all of it at you. I know, I know. That’s crazy, right?
But don’t you athletes go getting into a tizzy. You’re still getting paid because your fanatics – er, fans – really do love you. It’s just that right now, we can’t afford to run any venues on which you’d normally compete because they keep spending their money on other things. Relax. It’s only for a little while. Really.
“We’re barely making enough money to pay our players,” said one NFL owner, who asked not to be identified for fear of retribution. “Tom Brady already took a pay cut so we could meet our salary cap, but it’s still not enough.”
The state of Texas has been hit especially hard by the sudden shutdown.
“I’m having to work extra hard signing autographs to make some money under the table,” said distraught Texas A&M quarterback Johnny Manziel. “Man, I hate having to waste my time like that when I could be making millions as next year’s No. 1 draft pick. But don’t tell anyone I’m outta here after just two years, since, you know, it’s really all about me. The boosters here will have Johnny Football’s two Heismans taken away, and I just can’t have that.”
We’ve decided to take drastic measures on the fans who are costing us too much money. They don’t spend enough of it to cover the overhead needed to run the venues on which you grace them with your presence, so we’re going to make them pay dearly for being so ridiculously responsible with their dough.
We’re going to raise taxes, as well as ticket, parking, beer, food and merchandise prices. You’d think those fans were struggling through an economic crisis, they’re so tight-fisted with their cash. But we’ll show them the error of their ways. We’re also going to be asking for a tithe from every church member in the world, because, as we all know, football is a religious experience.
“Gosh darn, that’s such a great idea,” said Tim Tebow, towel boy to New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, who was unavailable for comment. “The Almighty One would approve of such unselfish giving to help struggling athletes all over the world. Bless your hearts, in Jesus’ name, I pray.”
Eli Manning of the New York Giants wept tears of joy when he caught wind of our plan.
“My team will be able to win a game when we get the money we need to buy some players who can pass, catch, run, block, tackle – you name it,” he said. “Otherwise, I’d be out of a job.”
Added big brother Peyton: “You suck no matter who they buy to play on your team.”
“I’m telling Mom and Dad!” yelled a visibly upset Eli, running away with his arms flailing.
Meanwhile, we’re pretty sure the shutdown will end Saturday. Fans won’t be able to go an entire week without their beloved football before caving to our demands.
The Cleveland Browns and Buffalo Bills are scheduled to play Thursday night, but we sacrificed that game because – who are we kidding – no one will be watching that crapfest anyway. Two college games are slated for Thursday and another for Friday, but no one cares about those, either. We all know West Coast teams don’t matter, since those are generally the ones that play on weeknights.
“Johnny Football will throw for 1,000 yards,” said a smirking Manziel, totally impervious to the fact that his team has an open date Saturday. “And you can take that to my bank!”
We’re sure you will. We plan on doing the same.