In a news release that shocked the world today, athletes announced they no longer will interact with the media.
“Enough is enough!” Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo exclaimed in outrage to his teammates, who, as usual, weren’t listening to him. “We can’t take it anymore! They totally ruin EVERYTHING for us!”
Weary of answering stupid questions posed to them by reporters trying to make names for themselves or just too oblivious to care, they have banded together to put an end to the circus of clowns.
And they were overwhelmingly uncensored in their responses to the widespread idiocy they’ve encountered throughout their respective careers. Don’t say you weren’t warned.
“How did I feel after losing the Super Bowl to fucking Eli Manning and the New York Giants?!” roared New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady in response to perhaps one of THE most ridiculous questions he’d ever been asked when his team’s bid for a perfect 2007 season fell short at 18-1 after its Super Bowl XLII defeat. “Seriously?! SERIOUSLY?! Are you fucking kidding me?! How the fuck did they THINK I felt?!”
The potty-mouthed Brady was even more livid when he reminisced about having to answer how he felt losing to the Giants a second time in Super Bowl XLVI.
“Shitty, you fucktards!” Brady recalled saying, his eyes glazing over in remembered rage all over again. “I told them to get back on the short bus until they learned how to ask intelligent questions, but we all know that’s never going to happen because they don’t have any fucking brains! Ask me about my smoking hot wife, my hair styles, where I buy my clothes, how much money I’m worth. But do NOT ask me stupid-assed questions when you already know the answer, for fuck’s sake!”
The NFL subsequently slapped Brady with a hefty fine for that tirade.
St. Louis Cardinals pitcher Adam Wainwright and catcher Yadier Molina, who stood motionless as an infield popup plopped on the ground for a blundering single between them in Game 1 of the World Series against the Boston Red Sox this year, were gobsmacked when a reporter daringly inquired what they could have done differently to prevent the hit.
“Um, looked up and caught the ball, maybe?” they offered in unison.
Most would view that as sarcasm, but since everyone knows these two guys are genuinely nice people, their response cannot be chalked up to mean-spiritedness. They may be a bit slow on the uptake since they DID let the ball fall between them like that, but they’re still smart enough to identify an obtuse question. Both still are scratching their heads over that one.
Cardinals manager Mike Matheny, on the other hand, was not so nice when moronic reporters kept badgering him about how his team was faring after a heartbreaking loss that saw the Red Sox clinch their third World Series title since 2004.
“We obviously feel like shit, but you assholes can see that for yourselves,” he snarled in vehement disgust. “Would it make for a better quote, or story, or whatever it is you do if I stabbed them all with the pencil I use for my lineup card so you could report about them writhing in pain as they bleed all over the fucking clubhouse for the whole world to see?! Or how about I go around punching them all in the gonads so you can see grown men REALLY cry?! Is that what you want?! Just tell me what to do, and I’ll do it, if that’s what it takes to shut you up!”
Major League Baseball refused to fine him for his unfiltered reaction, particularly since the sports world announced its stunning intentions so quickly afterward.
The ban is expected to be permanent because – unfortunately – evidence uncovered on a daily basis proves that intelligent questions are nonexistent in today’s technology-driven world, thus causing the extinction of real-life interaction between human beings. In other words, they’ve been rendered socially inept.
NASCAR Sprint Cup Series driver Jeff Gordon started messing with the media a while back when he began to tire of reporters inquiring why he considered himself an athlete when all he did was drive really fast and turn left. Rather than trying to explain race strategy to a bunch of half-wits, he decided it was far less painful to play the part of a simplistic goody two-shoes with a catchphrase that covered every possible topic just so they’d leave him alone.
“Boogity boogity boogity was great while it lasted,” he said, thrilled not to have to use that line of defense ever again. “It galled me having to bring myself down to their vacuous IQs like that, but it kept them off my back.”
The only person exempt from this unprecedented move is Romo because he never has been deemed worthy of interrogation by anyone. Plus, nobody likes him.
“What a loser,” Texas A&M quarterback Johnny Manziel said of Romo. “I’m going to enjoy taking his job away from him after I win my second Heisman Trophy this year and enter the NFL draft in 2014. Because, you know, everything is bigger in Texas and Johnny Football is all about making big money. Hell, I already got a signing bonus THIS year!”
Athletes also aren’t receptive to having cell phones, cameras, microphones and the odd antiquated tape recorders shoved in their faces continually. It makes them feel like deer frozen in headlights. Notebooks are preferrable, but 99.9 percent of the planet has forgotten how to write using pen and paper since the texting boom of the 2000s.
“Would it be so hard for them to sit down with me, have a cup of coffee and jot a few notes while we talk, really talk?” Detroit Tigers first baseman Prince Fielder mused. “Or perhaps they could come by my house and help me take care of my kids, fix their lunches, take them to school, that kind of stuff. I want to see what they’re writing down, mind you, and I’ll cry misquote if I don’t like what I read. But I just hate having all that technology stymieing me when all I’m trying to do after work is get home to my family so we can spend as much quality time together as possible.”
The news didn’t phase the media, in particular the television personalities. But that’s not surprising. TV is one percent brains and 99 percent vanity.
“Huh?” queried one reporter while distractedly primping in her floor-to-ceiling mirror, not really listening to her male colleague who, in turn, simply wanted to hear himself speak because he was so madly in love with the sound of his own voice.
Furthermore, athletes threatened TV entities the world over to ban irritating sportscasters indefinitely because disgruntled fans can no longer stomach the senseless drivel that spews from their mouths. They finally reached a one-year deal stating that if an intuitive replacement cannot be found, viewers will be given the option to listen to the music genre of their choice for the duration of the sporting event.
This means fans will no longer have to withstand ANY sportscaster’s continued bias for certain athletes and teams anymore, unless they CHOOSE to do so. They additionally are henceforth instructed to get a hotel room anytime they feel compelled to share their ardor in such a fashion or until those feelings pass, which probably will be never.
“It’s a win-win deal for me, baby,” added Manziel, “because I know MY fans will want to hear ALL the announcers crushing on me! After all, everyone LOVES them some Johnny Football!”