i wanted to go to the philippines
but he needed the “escape”
leaving me in a group home
with kids nobody wanted
wondering wandering thoughts
as night ate away each day
why my father wouldn’t come
why he drove the car away
i know he heard me scream
i know he saw me running
pleading, begging him to stop
but he just kept going
as if i did not matter
as if he wanted to erase me
he couldn’t get away quick enough
made up excuses why he “couldn’t” come back
why he “had” to stay away
month after excruciating month
that turned into a year (plus)
he wrote them all on picturesque postcards
mere scraps he threw me in a few sentences
stringing me along like a fish chasing a lure
telling lie after lie that i eagerly swallowed
while he was having fun in the tropical sun
free of the daughter who cramped his style
while I wished with all my young might
for him to come back like he said he would
promises always made, promises always broken
like me, disappearing in the rearview mirror
an object so close i know he couldn’t help but see
oceans apart from the child he abandoned
a “family” divided by far-flung continents
while he drowned his responsibilities with his excesses
and fucked everything like caligula on a perverse bender
carefree of the “obligation” he left crying on the curb
that wrenching sunday night in troy so many years ago
the nine-year-old misfit girl everyone called a savage
it wasn’t my fault i didn’t know any other way to be
because you were always too drunk to take care of me
four days before thanksgiving i had you to thank
for leaving me there at the mercy of “house” parents
while you made good your “escape” with rupert holmes on the radio

started 2012
finished March 13, 2013


13 thoughts on “Escape

  1. 😦 This one is so sad. Your dad sounds a lot like my so-called “mother” who had better things to do than raise her kids as well and instead left me with her parents that she despised. My heart always goes out to you. Great poem! ❤

    1. Thank you, Rachel. I can still remember running after his car just as vividly as the day it happened 34 years ago come the week of Thanksgiving, how it felt. I’m so sorry about what happened with you, too. Some people don’t deserve to be parents, much less grandparents. My son never doubts how much I love him, how much he means to me. And as long as there is breath in me, that poor excuse of a human being will never go near him. Did I mention I’m just a little overprotective? lol

      1. With my grandparents (parents) they were good but I always felt like they didn’t want to be bothered that late in their life. But what pissed me off was my mother despising them so, then leaving me there rather than giving me up for adoption to have a chance with a family who wanted a kid.

      2. I’m sorry to hear that. Some people simply are too selfish to think things through. But I daresay you’ve turned out wonderful DESPITE her. No one ever wants to feel like a burden. Mine made me feel like I owed him for being alive. Who does that? We don’t choose to be born. And thank you, I am super protective. Probably a little too much … lol.

      3. I was the same way when my kids were growing up – probably for the same reasons. Better safe than sorry. Err on the side of caution, I always say (as much as my kids hated it) LOL!

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